Seeing those cute little puppies from a distance sparked so much in me. I instantly felt warm and whole in my body. Excitement rang from my toes all the way up to the top of my head. Before I knew it I was smiling, ear to ear. My heart leaped as I got closer and began to admire God’s creations. My day, just got brighter.
So many tiny ears, noses, tongues, teeth, and toes. 8 pups. All so precious. After a few moments of being in awe of their cuteness I took the plunge and picked one up. I chose the one who was quietly asleep, off to the side all by its self. It reached a part of me deep inside that had felt alone for so many years. Yes, this is the one I chose for the next several minutes to share my love with, one on one.
Happily I went and sat with the puppy. Admired it more. Stroked is softly over and over again. Looked at it with so much love and adoration.
This entire experience reminded me of myself as a young child. I was often alone daydreaming of ways to help people, make $$$, and how I was determined to find a way to live a happy life. Not necessarily your average kid stuff…but hey my mom always said I’ve always “gone against the grain.” As children that’s what we all long for, right? To be seen, heard, admired, adorned. Some of us get that need met in childhood and it’s beautiful and necessary; but many of us don’t. Our parents didn’t have it to give.
After much counseling, life coaching, reading, and researching I have become very self aware that I didn’t get what I needed to thrive in this life and was left with brokenness. But I have learned that I am able to sit in that pain, validate my feelings, and heal myself. It’s called Self-Parenting. The chains of victimhood have been removed. I am lighter and free to go and do whatever I please. There is literally nothing else stopping me now. Just like the mama dog who was walking around free and happy while all of us humans were entertaining and looking after her pups. That’s me. I’ve spent many years looking after my inner issues. Tackling them full speed ahead; one by one. Bringing them to light has allowed me to experience and feel freedom. I have new perspective on life in general. Life is looking more and more beautiful each and every day.
Hard moments still exist, BUT I have to tools and ability to pick myself back up. Dust off those boots and put on my big girl panties.
You see, all these years I’ve had the power living on the inside of me. I’ve had everything I needed. However, I didn’t know it and I didn’t know HOW to unlock it. And folks, when you don’t know something…..you just don’t know it yet. Therefore, show yourself compassion and let go of the guilt.
I am writing to say that I have found the tools I need to build the life that I want to live. I am now free. So free. And of course I want this for others. Anyone who wants freedom can attain it. I’ll tell you it is the scariest, hardest, most terrifying thing I’ve ever one done in my life. (And lets remember…giving birth………7x……was scary!!!!!
This healing process took many nights sobbing myself to sleep. Feeling so sad I thought I may die of a broken heart. Tears, anxiety, and pain were all present during counseling sessions. Bouts of depression followed. You name it; I felt it. To take off each mask that I had been wearing and sift through the saddest, most fragile, darkest parts of my heart was equally as terrifying as the idea of walking through a mall naked. I felt so vulnerable, afraid, and UNCOMFORTABLE. That’s what growth is all about………facing fears, feeling the awkwardness, and going with it! Feeling uncomfortable is my new NORMAL as I lived in toxic, dysfunction all my life so healthy feels significantly different.
For so long I felt I appeared pretty on the outside, but was a broken, confused mess, on the inside. I suffered in silence as I, COULD NOT, for the life of me, put a name on what I feeling let alone name the issues. I tried for years to change me on an external level. To become perfect. The perfect mom. Perfect wife. Perfect friend. I was driven by perfection in the hopes of escaping the feelings of rejection. But on the inside I was carry all the pain from the past.
Guys……perfection does NOT exist. Now if you are part of my life you know………..MINDY IS THE REAL DEAL. I am Real. Raw. Transparent. That’s me at my core. I don’t have time to waste pretending anymore. I have a life to live and I am on it!
In the not so distant past, I knew there were many things that were wrong but I couldn’t put it into words. Not at all. Now I know it was conditioning, my subconscious mind, years of abuse, lack of self worth and self love. The list goes on. I am no longer afraid of rejection. I am not everyone’s cup of tea and that is more than OKAY. Many varieties exist. Those who are meant to be part of my life will be. I am some peoples But most importantly….I have peace on the inside. I can sit in my own company and enjoy me. I can be my own best friend. My biggest cheer leader. I am my own life saver with my very own flavor. :p
Now, I can see me for me. I cherish myself and cherish self love. I can take time to really look at me, Mindy, the creation God spent time on creating. (or the universe or whom ever you call it). I am valuable. I am worth while. I have much to give, simply by being me. I can replace that old negative voice of the past with MY VOICE. That same voice I’ve used to encourage and lift up others around me for almost two decades—that voice—works just the same for myself.
What I mean is one can adore themselves, spend time with self, and love themselves thoroughly and unapologetically. We can put ourselves first with no guilt and no ulterior motives. I now make it a point to spend time on and with me. Doing things I love, that bring me joy is equally as precious to me as taking my kids to the playground, swimming, or sending them to summer camp. For me I do this through writing this blog, jumping on top of a horse, reading another self help book/ finance book, and taking hot epson baths. And today I did brought myself job by slowing down, sitting down, and holding puppies. Loving oneself is just the beginning of a Happy Life.
I believe the healing you desire can be found inside of you. I have found the real Mindy and I wouldn’t trade her for the world!